It has become painfully clear that my Mom has a favourite. There is one that can do no wrong, that is permitted everything. And let me tell you, it ain’t me. Science will never be able to explain exactly what makes the last born such a favourite, but it needs no explanation that I have been plotting and scheming ever since I realised I held second place. But, how to serve my Sister a fresh dish of  cold, hard revenge?

While you, dear reader, consider the options, I will divulge slightly. In 1209, following the unfortunate passing of a local townswoman, the secular authorities of Oxford condemned three of the university’s professors to be hanged. Spooked by the increasingly hostile environment of the community, more and more scholars decided to depart, looking for a better home. And just so, the turbulent University of Cambridge was founded.

With an origin story sufficiently suspect as this, I had found the perfect destination for my mischievous plans. Of course I neither sank our boat to England, nor derailed the train to Cambridge. I needed something more subtle. With this in mind, I had prepared some proper research.

For example, I learned that the gothic colleges and chapels of Cambridge function as ideal climbing gyms. The dragon beaks can fit your feet, while the royal heads offer ample grip to those who wish to ascend the elegant Porter’s House of Trinity College. Sponsored by the notorious Henry VIII, his likeness features prominently above the gate. However, in a daring nineteenth century prank, an anonymous student clambered up the wall, replacing the King’s golden sceptre with a wooden chair leg. 

Impressed, the college authorities left the leg in place, recently renewing it with one gilt in pure gold. Not to be outdone, the students of Saint John’s College, fierce rivals of Trinity, performed their own miracle. In 1963, a group of students managed to hoist an Austin Seven car onto the roof of the Senate House. It took the university crane a week to get it down. Initially I considered daring my Sister to a performance similar to this, expecting her to chicken out, after which she would die of embarrassment, but I ultimately decided against it. 

Instead, we enjoyed a trip down the River Cam, guided by a local punter. Punting is the art of pushing a long stick against the riverbed, thereby propelling your small wooden boat forward. In this way we leisurely drifted between the palace-like colleges and their richly filled flower beds. In my mind there danced the imagery of my Sister standing tall at the end of the boat, labouring to move us through town, sweating in the warm spring sun, and succumbing to her exhaustion, plummeting among the geese and ducks. Unfortunately Sis loves ducks, and such a scenario would scarcely be a disaster, rather, It would be a welcome refreshment. 

Want to Know more about King’s College Chapel (above)?

While the main walls were built slowly, over 7 decades, the breathtaking fan vaults were completed in a mere three-year sprint (1512–1515). However, the delicate appearance is merely an engineering trick: the ‘lace-like’ stone ribs are held in place by massive one-ton carved “bosses” featuring the Tudor Rose and Portcullis, which use their immense weight to lock the vault together, allowing the walls to be replaced by a ‘jewel box’ of stained glass. The “King’s Glazier”, a Flemish man named Barnard Flower, then brought the new “Renaissance style” to the chapel, substituting the flat, primitive iconography of mediaeval England with accurate perspectives and realistic faces. This is far from the only example of Flemish influence in England.

So instead, sipping a cool drink by the riverside, I read about how Cambridge University works. Apparently, the students have to read dozens of papers at the beginning of each week, completing a full, high-quality academic paper by the end of that same week. Considering the mental toll and chronic exhaustion of a schedule, I thought I had finally found my solution. However, taking the long term result into account, with an academic mastermind for a Sister, one who would outshine and overshadow my every achievement, I again had to abandon my evil schemes. 

And so, despite long and hard thought, our trip simply turned into a nice holiday. Sis is still the favourite, I have accomplished nothing to improve my standing, and I have failed to answer the title of this post. I consider it a complete disaster. Farewell.